How Mr Men can help us give feedback
Opinion
How Mr Men can help us give effective feedback
Anna Price explains how some of the Mr Men characters from the popular Roger Hargreaves books can provide insight into how we communicate with each other
We have a growing cultural problem that pervades the world of work but also much of the church. We really don’t like being challenged by one another! Our sensitivities to mental health problems and desire to be trauma-informed, with good reason, can mean we lack confidence, both of giving and receiving feedback. In the work-place employers face the pressure from above and have to reluctantly get on with it but face the possibility of staff sickness on mental health grounds. Parents and teachers, trying to exert authority over teenagers, are likely to get answered with reference to human rights and calling ChildLine! And those in pastoral ministry will often avoid conflict at all costs. Our commitment to churches being places of refuge can mean that arguments or tensions are considered a sign of spiritual failure. And none of us wants to go back to the days of tough love, stiff upper lips and stoicism
Gene L Green writes in his commentary on 1 Thessalonians, ‘While personal correction has become anathema in the church today, ancient opinion was that correction by others was profitable for a person’s wellbeing.’ The Apostle Paul is clear in 1 Thessalonians (5:12-15) that receiving admonishment from leaders and, as congregation members, warning each other and be prepared to intervene in certain situations, is a sign of health in a church. But how can we understand, experience and give challenge to one another in a way that is truly loving, respectful and constructive?
I have based my analysis on a highly regarded book named ‘Radical Candor’ by management expert and author, Kim Scott, which considers this question. I have added some insights of my own and some Mr Men characters (just to help those of us who find this all a little abstract!)
Mr Worry
One trap we can find ourselves falling into is Ruinous Empathy. So rich in what we consider to be personal care, grace and empathy, we are allow ourselves to be so drawn into the experience of the other and their perspectives to the point that we lose all external perspective. Politically we become left-leaning, and theologically we desire grace without truth, the New Testament without the Old, Spirit rather than Word. As Jon Kuhrt writes, we have appreciation without accountability, forgiveness without boundaries, compassion without justice, support without empowerment, always an empathetic ‘yes’ and never a compassionate ‘no’. We follow the saying, ‘if you can’t think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all’
Mr Worry is so worried about the person and what to say, he never says anything. This extreme empathetic behaviour can lead to the children of God becoming spoilt and churches becoming rich in wealth but lacking purpose or vision
Mr Nosey
Then we find the worst of all our behaviours in Manipulative Insincerity. We become dangerously filled with apathy. We find it’s easier neither to care for the person, nor for the truth at stake. Paul in both letters to the Thessalonians warns those that are idle because of their tendency towards gossip and trouble-making. He says of us when we fall into this trap, ‘they are not busy; they are busybodies!’ (2 Thess. 3:13). Our demonstrations of care and our sweet talking is sadly insincere because we don’t truly care and we use delightfully crafted words in order to get our own way. We become prone to back-stabbing and will likely cause painful strife in a community, without anyone really realising
Mr Nosey tends to find himself getting overly involved in other people’s business. His self-orientation means the children of God will be neglected and churches emptied
Mr Uppity (a favourite book of mine)
Another tendency is a loveless commitment to truth and correctness that leads to the unpleasant behaviours of Obnoxious Aggression. When leaning this way, we don’t really care how what we say goes down with the hearer. We have a steer towards law over grace, Old Testament over New Testament, Word rather than Spirit. We are impatient with the weak and irritable with the failings of others. We probably swing to the political right, and are insistent on telling it straight, not beating around the bush, and going at someone, again and again. We ensure there is accountability but there is no appreciation, we have boundaries without forgiveness, justice with no compassion, and are much more likely to say ‘no’ to things, rather ‘yes’
Mr Uppity is an unrelenting critical voice, who tends towards leaving the children of God battered and churches suffering from his unrelenting abuse
Mr Good
Finally, we have what we should all long to be like - to speak with Radical Candor (the concept and book of Kim Scott). The example of Christ is to have mature form of love and care for the community. Full of grace and truth, his words are lovingly truthful and truthfully loving. It’s not that he beats us over the head because he ‘loves us’ but he his actions towards us are truly in our best interests. He speaks from a perspective of weakness not power and perfectly embodies the Old Testament and the New, the Word and Spirit, truth and grace, justice and compassion. His words are rich in wisdom and discernment, and he nurtures us as the true Shepherd-King, combining gentleness and strength. He is patient with all and with the types of people found in 1 Thessalonians 5:14-15. Rather than being cross with the idle, frustrated with the timid or burdened by the weak, He is patient with each and every one of us. He helps and empowers, cares and challenges, encourages and warns, says ‘yes’… and also ‘no’.
The ultimate Mr Good is Christ himself and when we move towards His ways, we find the children of God being nurtured into maturity and the church thriving and overflowing with kindness (1 Thess. 5:15)
The image above was generated by AI
Anna Price is Community and Discipleship Lead at St Mary Magdalene Church in Gorleston, who sees her mission as helping the local church bring transformational change through the holistic care of individuals and by bringing people to together in community
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